Feeling Empty

Ever wonder what it all means? Life in general. How'd you get to where you are now? Where's it going from here? I hope so. Not that I want you feeling lost, lonely, or empty. Just that... I don't want to be the only one.

Don't get me wrong. It comes and it goes. This feeling. Of emptiness. The coming and going is a fading in and out of personal luminosity, brightness, vitality, and hope. What a friggin' drag it is when it envelopes me. Feeling subpar. Inadequate. Useless, to a certain extent. Feeling like a loser. Ugh. Thank God I don't drink.

My wife leaving me, moving out and taking the kids with her (for all but two days a week) has a lot to do with this recent feeling of emptiness. Grinding my life to a sludgy, molasseslike syrupy mess. And feeling too lazy to start cleaning it up. Pathetic? God, YES. I've decided it's alright to wallow in it for a bit. But just a bit. 'Cause it IS pathetic. Loserville. Just passing through. 'Til I get a clue.

I really hate saying what sent me on this current spiraling of self-pity. Seriously, I hate to admit it. So I won't. Aw fuck. Then why am I here, if not to tell you. And why would you be here, if not to read about this shit and educate yourself on the epic fails of another. Um...yeah. The reason for my current state of emptiness, running on fumes, is...is...aw fuck...okay, it's Tinder.

It's been six whole months since my wife left. Six. Six months since I kissed a woman. Since I've been with a woman. Six months! It's been twenty years if you don't count my wife. So yeah, I have got no game. My game consist of "Check out the creeper checking you out?", at the supermarket, at the bank, walking down the street. I'm thankful I haven't been zapped with Mace yet. I mean, I have no game. Slightly delusional is also a component of my "game". I think I'm misreading signals. Smiles and eye contact.

I'm in my mid-fifties. Is it delusional to think a certain smile and eye contact from a woman a lot younger than me is a sign of attraction? I'm talking women in their thirties. And one in her early twenties. ( Yes, I'm shaking my head too~as I write this.) I convinced myself that beautiful woman in her thirties was attracted to me. The eye contact, smiles, and friendly greetings seemed to grow kindlier as time passed. At first I thought, No way. But then...I don't know, probably just wishful thinking on my part. Well, anyway, you want the dirt, right?

Right.

Well, Melinda works at a CVS that I've occasionally shopped at. And that's where the "attraction" took place. Asking her out would have been to straight forward and simple. I was too chicken. Because I thought I was out of my depth. She was out of my league, so to speak. My bright idea was to make Melinda a homemade card for Valentine's day. Which I did. On the back I had written, Melinda ~ A lovelier woman I have yet to meet. Happy Valentine's Day. And I signed it, Mike Keough.

No phone number. No email address. Just my name. Now that's game! HaHahaaa. Well, Melinda read it right in front of me. I wasn't prepared for that. She said, Awww and then came around the counter and gave me a hug. I turned beet red and kinda hugged her back. The hug ended and I stood speechless for a couple of seconds. Quick on my feet that I am, I said, Have a nice weekend. I turned around and left the CVS thinking, Well that couldn't have gone better. ( Yeah, this kid's got game alright. )

I had seen her twice since. Friendly smiles and waves. Still too chicken to actually talk to her and now feeling a little paranoid that I may have embarrassed myself. Everyone working at the CVS is probably like, The guy with the Valentine's card is here, Melinda. (Ugh.)

Then there's the young (very young) lady in her twenties. We met at a dog park. I was smitten right away. She seemed so mature. I thought she was at least thirty. We talked and laughed. She responded pleasantly to my sense of humor and was quick witted in banter as well. We seemed to click. Glances captured. Glances stored away. Is there a possibility for a fling? A friendship with certain heavenly benefits? I think so. But again, wishful thinking on my part? Most likely. But then again, you never know.

Which brings me to Tinder. Oh Lord have mercy. After an unexpected trip to the grocery store late one Sunday evening I decided I HAD to give online dating a whirl. I had seen an attractive woman at the super market and tried to angle in for a little eye contact. Smile. Glance, what have you. To no avail however. I lost her eventually in the labrynth of aisles and endless endcap displays displayed everywhere except the end of the aisle. I watched in sheer dejection as she left the store, already paid and headed for her car and then home. Oh crap. I wondered if she had seen me, pegged me as a creeper and hurried her Sunday night shopping. Poor lady. That's when I decided. Check out Tinder. At least the ladies there know you're looking for company. And how do you have to be to strike out on Tinder? Just asking. Because it. Has. Not. Been. A. Satisifying. Experience. I cast a pretty wide net. And not one catch. Well...a couple. But I had to toss them back into the ocean. Bearded grannies was not what I had in mind.

I cast a wider net then stopped checking in for any progress. It became addictive. And kinda fun in a way. LIKE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. LIKE. NOPE. NOPE. I started to feel like Donald Trump. The reality TV star not the president. YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED. Oh, I'd do you. YOU'RE FIRED. I figured after casting the wider net I'd abandon the site for a week and then give it a check. See if there were any "matches".

During the week of Tinder abstinence I started realizing that the mating and dating ritual is not a priority in my life. I was getting worked up and depressed for no reason. It was confusing. Equating being alone with loneliness. I've loosened up quite a bit. I do have a good report with women I know. Women I meet. Just taking it slow and naturally is the victory in it of itself. It seems to me that the dating ang mating ritual has to be natural and not forced or coerced. My priorities are work, my kids, and very, very importantly ~ improving myself.

Working on improving myself is the absolute best solution for combatting the feeling of emptiness.

And... just two more days before I check Tinder. See what that wider net may have snagged. :-)